Bad choices...

with the birthday around, I started thinking about 'is it worth celebrating?'.. I stopped it long ago anyway.. well before my college days.. I don't think there is anything great to celebrate my birth and existence.. its not cynical..but if I think about what I have achieved so far - there is nothing.

My dad has told me how much he has struggled in life from the age of 5 or 6.. he told me that he never got a chance to study so he wanted me to get everything he missed in his life.. and he did.. he was so happy when I got my masters degree.. he said 'its one asset, which will be there with you life-long'. he introduced me to 'pudhu kavithaikal'.. to listen and admire music, to Hindi movies, to the reading habit, to interesting programs in radio and TV.. we will sit till late in the night watching French open, Wimbledon, Olympics in TV.. he said that 'I would like you study well, go places and watch all this live, from the stadium'.. such an wonderful father..

And amma, such a dedicated person. She did all the household work just so that I could study well.. for 5 years, she made 3 trips everyday to the school back and forth.. Everyone used to laugh saying 'don't know what this girl is going to be in life, why her mom is struggling so much to make her study?'.. she didn’t care.. if for anything she has been strict, it’s for the studies.. even today if I go home, she just takes care of me like she did when I was a baby... they told me once that 'you have a baby now, but still you are a baby for us'... she never ever had anything special for her.. she got married when she was 19.. After that her whole life was about my dad and me.. more of me.. I don't think I can ever be like her...by seeing of some ladies of her age now, still being 'me me me' all the time, I feel that she is the one to worship...


I am an under-achiever considering the support and love I got from my parents till today. The freedom they gave me, the way they brought me up - amazing. I don't think I will be able to give half-of that dedication to my son as a parent. but did I make them proud? I don't think so. I never stood first in any public exam. I made my father to run around to colleges looking for my master degree seat because I had a verly low percentage of marks in BSc. Didn't agree to marry when they asked me to, instead wanted to go to Bangalore and work for few years. How many horoscopes I would have made my dad to search for.. I wouldn't want to settle down that easily, had high expectations for the life partner.

How many people would have asked my parents about 'is she getting married yet?'. I know my mom has cried so many times. But my dad has supported me all along. but everyone thinks that my did didn't put in efforts to get me married soon.. he just don't care of about others.. he says 'that’s not important Bobji, you should be happy, just don't worry about what others say'..

I was so short tempered and angry all the time.. Wasted loads of time doing useless things when I should have been working towards doing something with my life... my appa worked all night to pay my fees. We never had any support from my dad’s family or my mom’s.. he never ever asked help from anyone...
I was really adamant, and had my own ideas, and ways with them.. it all made them to change their plan all the time.. They have to change themselves to adjust with me...
Even now, they left the shop, the only means of their income, to take care of Ela for an year, just because they thought it would be helpful to ease of my work load. if I ever going to believe there is something called 'God' its them.. I wouldn't been any better or happier if I have born to any other parents...
But what have I done for them? nothing.. nothing at all... I am not working now.. but when I did, I had money, but still I left my father to work for days, struggling with the old engine and motors, for a few hundred rupees.. I am not a good daughter..

I went back to my job, leaving Ela with my mom, very early, when he was just 3.5 months old.. how cruel.. I am a bad mom.. another bad choice..

I realized it very late that Ela is missing the care and affection from 'Mom'... I tried to correct it now, by leaving my job to spend more time with him.. so may be this is a small step towards being a good mother..

for being a good daughter.. hmm.. don't know.. I call them often, just to make sure they don't feel lonely.. I want to get them to UK for few months every year, throughout our stay in UK.. But I know this is not going to happen... so may be I need to go back to India as soon as possible..

I feel like I have made bad choices throughout my life.. has been stubborn and selfish.. I tend to agree with everyone around, try to be nice even if someone is not good to me.. when thinking about all those adjustments, I feel really bad that I didn't show the same consideration towards my parents, who gave me everything...

if they were not there, I am not there.. if they had decided to leave me because I was a girl, then I won't be sitting here writing a blog.. If they made me get married once I finished school, like most of my relatives did, I would have lost my freedom long ago..

I feel so emotional thinking about them.. I don't think that’s enough... if what I think about them as 'God' then I should make sure to make them feel that way.. If I am not a good daughter, then I don't think I can be good in anything in life..

hope the coming year would make my parents happy and proud... if I could make this happen then I would fly down to India to be with them for my birthday next year...and we will have something to celebrate...