Bad choices...

with the birthday around, I started thinking about 'is it worth celebrating?'.. I stopped it long ago anyway.. well before my college days.. I don't think there is anything great to celebrate my birth and existence.. its not cynical..but if I think about what I have achieved so far - there is nothing.

My dad has told me how much he has struggled in life from the age of 5 or 6.. he told me that he never got a chance to study so he wanted me to get everything he missed in his life.. and he did.. he was so happy when I got my masters degree.. he said 'its one asset, which will be there with you life-long'. he introduced me to 'pudhu kavithaikal'.. to listen and admire music, to Hindi movies, to the reading habit, to interesting programs in radio and TV.. we will sit till late in the night watching French open, Wimbledon, Olympics in TV.. he said that 'I would like you study well, go places and watch all this live, from the stadium'.. such an wonderful father..

And amma, such a dedicated person. She did all the household work just so that I could study well.. for 5 years, she made 3 trips everyday to the school back and forth.. Everyone used to laugh saying 'don't know what this girl is going to be in life, why her mom is struggling so much to make her study?'.. she didn’t care.. if for anything she has been strict, it’s for the studies.. even today if I go home, she just takes care of me like she did when I was a baby... they told me once that 'you have a baby now, but still you are a baby for us'... she never ever had anything special for her.. she got married when she was 19.. After that her whole life was about my dad and me.. more of me.. I don't think I can ever be like her...by seeing of some ladies of her age now, still being 'me me me' all the time, I feel that she is the one to worship...


I am an under-achiever considering the support and love I got from my parents till today. The freedom they gave me, the way they brought me up - amazing. I don't think I will be able to give half-of that dedication to my son as a parent. but did I make them proud? I don't think so. I never stood first in any public exam. I made my father to run around to colleges looking for my master degree seat because I had a verly low percentage of marks in BSc. Didn't agree to marry when they asked me to, instead wanted to go to Bangalore and work for few years. How many horoscopes I would have made my dad to search for.. I wouldn't want to settle down that easily, had high expectations for the life partner.

How many people would have asked my parents about 'is she getting married yet?'. I know my mom has cried so many times. But my dad has supported me all along. but everyone thinks that my did didn't put in efforts to get me married soon.. he just don't care of about others.. he says 'that’s not important Bobji, you should be happy, just don't worry about what others say'..

I was so short tempered and angry all the time.. Wasted loads of time doing useless things when I should have been working towards doing something with my life... my appa worked all night to pay my fees. We never had any support from my dad’s family or my mom’s.. he never ever asked help from anyone...
I was really adamant, and had my own ideas, and ways with them.. it all made them to change their plan all the time.. They have to change themselves to adjust with me...
Even now, they left the shop, the only means of their income, to take care of Ela for an year, just because they thought it would be helpful to ease of my work load. if I ever going to believe there is something called 'God' its them.. I wouldn't been any better or happier if I have born to any other parents...
But what have I done for them? nothing.. nothing at all... I am not working now.. but when I did, I had money, but still I left my father to work for days, struggling with the old engine and motors, for a few hundred rupees.. I am not a good daughter..

I went back to my job, leaving Ela with my mom, very early, when he was just 3.5 months old.. how cruel.. I am a bad mom.. another bad choice..

I realized it very late that Ela is missing the care and affection from 'Mom'... I tried to correct it now, by leaving my job to spend more time with him.. so may be this is a small step towards being a good mother..

for being a good daughter.. hmm.. don't know.. I call them often, just to make sure they don't feel lonely.. I want to get them to UK for few months every year, throughout our stay in UK.. But I know this is not going to happen... so may be I need to go back to India as soon as possible..

I feel like I have made bad choices throughout my life.. has been stubborn and selfish.. I tend to agree with everyone around, try to be nice even if someone is not good to me.. when thinking about all those adjustments, I feel really bad that I didn't show the same consideration towards my parents, who gave me everything...

if they were not there, I am not there.. if they had decided to leave me because I was a girl, then I won't be sitting here writing a blog.. If they made me get married once I finished school, like most of my relatives did, I would have lost my freedom long ago..

I feel so emotional thinking about them.. I don't think that’s enough... if what I think about them as 'God' then I should make sure to make them feel that way.. If I am not a good daughter, then I don't think I can be good in anything in life..

hope the coming year would make my parents happy and proud... if I could make this happen then I would fly down to India to be with them for my birthday next year...and we will have something to celebrate...

Fourth dangerous nation for women in the world

Women have probelms wherever we go.. in India, we were protected at all times by our parents, relatives when we are young.. in school days.. when I was in Bangalore, have to work over time in office, all my friends and male collegues were really supportive.. they will never let you walk home alone if its late.. even if we are taking an office-cab, they will call us to check if we have reached home safely.. this all sounds really good.. isn't it? but if we think about it, it all shows that, we might end up in dangerous situations if not protected... thats why there were so concerned..

even in UK the things are no different.. how many stories we hear about an assualt on women, cabbies kidnapping girls, murders, abuse of young kids...this country is more horrible for kids and women.. am scared to send my son to a child minder.. I prefer the nursery with many people around to avoid the situation where he has to be alone with an adult...

one of my friend, who is heavily pregenant was waiting outside a store for her husband to get the car from the parking lot, then someone tried snatching her chain (with mangalyam)..he couldn't becuse its a very thick one and she was holding it tightly.. then he ran away.. that guy could clearly see that she is heavily pregenant and week... this is in the middle of a crowded market place, in UK... in case if she has fallen down or something, it could have been really dangerous for her and the baby...

this is a small incident..but usually everyone says avoid going out in the night.. after 8.. when I told my husband that I am planning to go jogging at 6 every day.. he said 'no, someone might create triuble if they see you going everyday'.. its summer.. the sunrise is around 5.. so its usually quite bright at 6.. still he thinks its not safe.. I remember my days in Bangalore.. I used to wake up at 5.30 and go out alone for jogging.. used to see only very few people around in the side road.. still I never felt vulnerable or dangerous..

so I don't really buy-in the numbers saying its 4th country and stuff... atleast in India, we have so many dear and nears, to protect us.. and if you shout people will come out and help you..its always crowded.. and people on the road.. so I have always felt safe... I don't think that will happen here... people are always inside the house.. even someone is shouting in front of my house I don't think I will be able to hear if I am watching TV or in the Kitchen.. just the '999' to help you, thats if you could get hold of your mobile in time and able to dial and speak clearly about your wherabouts.. :(

21st century Tamil women

hmmm... how do I start? women... tamil women... we are the same... whatever may be the century... it doesn't matter....I don't know how it is with women from the other indian states..

I agree that we have come out of 'aduppangarai'... we study... study really well to tell the fact... always the rank holders...we work.. earn loads of money... we do almost everything men do...except safe-guarding at indian border... we even write blogs now.. :) but that doesn't really change how we get treated in our own house... we still need approval for even the smallest decisions.. and the bigger decisions are always left for men to do.. and financially we are not really independent..

Its not only me... I keep hearing it from all my friends... the way the in-laws treat women hasn't changed at all... we should listen to them all times... and even if they don't treat us well, we are not supposed to complain... but the same is not true for our parents.. they are supposed to give the 'Royal' treatment to our dear hubby and their family, relatives etc and should not expect a 'fair' treatement in return... when someone speaks out about this, the first thing we hear is 'padicha thimir'.. it all clearly shows that they just want to make sure from the beginning that their position as 'head of the family' is safe and secure..

and the funniest thing is everyone thinks that this is normal... nattu nadappu...people can't even understand why am I complaining...:))

this is not correct...all the guys are well educated.. but they still don't think that they need to treat the women equally... the only thing I could do is to bring up my son in such a way that he understands this... but my husband says 'its all coded in thier DNA and you can't change it just by bringing him up in a different way'.. could be.. the thought that men are superior needs to be erased completely...

the more I discuss about this with guys, the more it becomes clear that they don't want to leave this superiority complex.. guys, hold on to this until the day it all will be swept away under your feet and you will never know when did that happen.. that time is not far-away...

alright.. its 2'0 clock in the night... listening to chinmayee... 'Vaarayo vaarayo' from ayan.. had to log-in for an urgent issue... then had to wait for the call.. and started writing this becoz this wa nagging me from a long time...

lovely song by the way...will get some sleep now before an another call...

13 Going On 30 and Catch and Release

Saw these movies in YouTube.. oops..pirated video copy uploaded or something? no idea...

but both were good.. feel good movies.. 13 Going on 30...getting to know someone from your childhood.. growing up in the neighbourhood.. similar likes and dislikes... and you get to know that person so well.. no surprises.. and you get married one day.. a dream for everyone right? that's what the movie is all about.. good one... if you get a chance watch it once or twice :)

Catch and Release, romantic sentimental comedy... it's a rainy afternoon, you had a good lunch, and sitting in the couch with a mug of coffee, alone then whats the kind of movie a girl would love to watch.. that kind this is... so romantic with a bit of sentiment and comedy thrown in apt places... totally love it...

Vinnaithandi Varuvaya?

A good title... not so impresiive music.. Hosanna song sounds like an exact copy of some famous western song... and a bad story line... the reviews were great for this movie... so much buzz in the indian TV... but it's the same old love story... the girl gets married to someone else...because she loves her parents... he he he he... laughing so hard... and this guy still thinking of her... Devdas story... but a bit different... he doesn't waste his life drinking... instead he makes movies...Gadham vasudev menon... please...

Minnale... as a first movie for a director... was really good...I was impressed by 'Kakka Kakka'... vettaiyadu vilayadu was good... 'Varanam aaiyiram'... I guess the first movie in which Surya has started over-acting...

only one thing I liked about the movie, Simbhu... so soft and gentle, it almost looked real :)

copy cats?

I was listening to the 'Poove Poove' song from Sidhu +2 in Raaga.com, few days ago. was impressed. Lovely song. Nice lyrics. Yuvan and Chinmayee's voice. I couldn't move to the next one, was playing this again and again. Two days later, was searching for that song from youtube. Then learned from one of the comments that the lovely tune is copied from the sri lankan music director Iraj Hithuwakkari. Listened to that as well. The best part of the music is an exact copy from that song. Not sure if Dharan has credited Iraj in the titles... don't think so. I can understand that why people copy but they don't realize that people nowadays are listening to international music.

Few impressive movies like 'Anbe Sivam', 'Abhiyum nanum' are copied from English movies. why can't they create their own movie or music? They are so many untold stories in the wide world and they are creative people. maybe they thing that this is a shortcut to fame and money. If they openly tell everyone that this is a copy but I am adding my own little touch to that, then I don't see any problem with that. Otherwise it’s a complete cheating; cheating the original creator and the viewers.
come on guys.. grow up!!!!

How lucky we are?

Few days back I saw a person walking in the road when I went for lunch. He was blind and was using a helping stick to find his way. It was so difficult for him as there were so many steps, the parking way, fire exit, bus stop etc near the office. And the signal doesn't have any sound when the green light shows. People helped him to cross the road. But his difficulties doesn't end there, isn't it? Everything we do just like that would be really difficult for him or at least he has to try hard.

Appa used to tell me that how lucky we are becasue we could see, hear, walk and do things without any difficulties. I used to laugh at this. But I understood what he meant only when I started thinking about this guy.

I felt so sad for the whole day. When I told this to Kannan he said, he will get all the help from the government and there could be someone helping him at home etc. Becasue being in UK, his life won't be as difficult as I am imagining. And he would have come out alone just for some relaxation or for an experience. That could be true. But then I started thinking about people who have similar issues from the developing countries like India. When will they get all the help like this? Forget about the sound, is there working signals in all the roads, or even if there is a signal do the people obey the rules? there are open man holes, no pavements and the buses doesn't have wheelchair access. We are not making it any easier for phisychally challenged people.

And there are homeless young childern and elderly people. Is the government trying to do something to help them? no. Why are we still building temples spenidng crores? Lets first make sure everyone has the basic 3 things, unavu, udai, irupidam. And then we could move on to 'ninaivu kattidam', 'vettri manadu', thiruvalluvar silai and cricket stadiums.